I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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