i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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