My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
