Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
