We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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