...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
