I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize