so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
