Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Everyone says I win the strip club
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
