I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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