My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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