"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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