Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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