I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
