I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
