Fine. I'll sleep in my office
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Randomize