No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
