Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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