And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
