ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
