Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
