I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Randomize
