So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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