I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
