My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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