omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
