Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
