we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
