Well douche your snatch and let's go!
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
