woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
