Are we in a gay sports bar?
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
