so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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