Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
