he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
