last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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