Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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