My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Less talking, more tequila
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
