She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Someone shattered a urinal.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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