The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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