i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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