She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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