Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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