I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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