I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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