Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
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