i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
