i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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