Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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