Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
