If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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