woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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