time to smoke my breakfast
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
