FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
