Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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