People in love make me want to vomit
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
