well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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