how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
