If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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