just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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