I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
